October 2012

Dreams: Well, I decided to do another blog today because it has been a very hard day for me, once again. It seems when I blog, it helps to release some of these horrible emotions and thoughts that bounce around in my head. Things have been getting hard again and I’m becoming negative toward our situation again. Sigh. I work very hard to stay positive, but after 6 long years of this fight, I am growing very tired and weary. I actually am starting to lose faith…of all things! Not a good sign for someone like me, that has focused on my faith the past 6 years to prevent me spiraling into a very dark place. I am holding onto that ledge with all my might but those head games are starting to set in again. Those fingers are getting weaker by the day of holding onto that ledge with a death grip. Maybe, having a baby just isn’t going to happen for us? Maybe adoption is the right thing to do? I am not against adoption one bit and actually have considered it very seriously multiple times but to have that beautiful connection with your baby in your womb….so special! Just to experience pregnancy once, would be such a blessing and an answered prayer to me. I dream of Nick talking to my belly and the planning involved for that precious gift of life. I dream of that look on my husbands face when I reveal the most exciting news and precious music to his ears. He has wanted a child for so long, it would be a complete life knocking blow for it not to happen. It actually already has been a really bad blow to both of us. Six years is ridiculous. I’m losing that hope and almost wanting to just give up completely, because mentally, I don’t know how much more I can take. I am at the brink of madness.
What do those couples do that just never have a child? How do they continue with life? What is their purpose in life? What do they live for? Work for? I work hard so when I do have a child, they will have a good life. I want things to be as easy as possible for us when we have a child, so I’m working hard now to ensure that happens. But at what cost? It’s driving me insane. The unknown is horrid. Not knowing if you will ever be able to do what you are “supposed” to do, is so frightening. What was I put on this Earth for? I have had the dream of motherhood since I was a tiny girl. Why take that away from me? What did I do and how can I fix this? Will it ever happen? Are these doctor appointments just a waste of our time and money and hopes and dreams?
I may be young but with premature ovarian failure, my time is very limited. We don’t know how long my eggs will be viable. So yes, I am only 25 but my female parts aren’t so much unfortunately. It’s a triple blow to your heart when you find out you have Endometriosis, Premature Ovarian Failure and PCOS. Wow! Thanks alot, appreciate that. The pressures of infertility are awful and so overwhelming. It makes me feel like a failure and the worst part, it is completely out of my control. It’s one thing to be a failure and it be your own fault, because you always have time to turn that around and fix it. This, not quite the case. I am fighting so hard to hold onto that faith and hope, but it almost seems less stressful if I just drop it all together and forget it. For us to just drop all of this and go toward adoption would be so much easier….in a sense…but adoption is never easy either! Adoption requires so much time and work. Our problem, is the time issue. Between mine and Nick’s schedule, getting everything together and going to all of the classes are almost impossible. We still need CPR classes and our first aid certification. We still have so much left to do. I’m so exhausted. Things just are not seeming very fair at all right now. Please pray for us because things are getting very difficult for us. Nick won’t talk about it, which only makes it worse for me. It cuts even deeper because I can’t talk about how I’m feeling but when he shuts down, I know he’s hurting at his worst. To know my husband is hurting like that, is killing me inside.

THE NOW: We were divorced in 2017 due to the resentments and struggles of infertility and then having a child in 2015. We no longer had time for ourselves, or dates. We still had resentments of what happened those 8 years of infertility. We forgot to have fun and we forgot to put God first. Now, we are together and happier than ever. This can happen to ANYONE! Life does NOT go as planned. Let me tell you, It will NOT go as planned. Keep those goals in front of you anyway. Those goals take you the direction you’re supposed to, God just adds blessings and changes of directions along the way that you will not understand….until later. Ever hear the saying, “Hindsight is 20/20”. Ahh, we all have but let me tell you, its beauty at the end. That hindsight and seeing how God played things in your favor that you absolutely did not understand or even want to consider. He’s got you. Trust in that and KEEP FAITH! You will get a blow to the head several times throughout life. We had given up when I filed for divorce in 2017 due to the yelling, fighting, and toxic environment. I felt I had to protect my son. My precious child I had prayed for. I did not want my child to live in the toxic environment I grew up in. I had to spare him the hard knocks of life. So I thought. Apparently the divorce was a blow for him too. He cried for Daddy and Daddy cried to tuck his son into bed. Then 8 months after the divorce, I got sick. So sick, I could not get out of bed for 2 days. Having a 2 year old…a woman can’t do that! I called good ole trustworthy Nick, as bad as my pride hated me for it. Guess who showed up at my door 20 minutes later with soup, sprite, gatorade, and a sparkle in his eye to spend time with his son. He took care of me those two days but also took care of Drake AND the house. How could I let that go….I couldn’t. We started spending time together again and co-parenting like no ones business. We were having fun. He took us to a petting zoo, we spent real time together….as a family. I still was stubborn and said no, I couldn’t go back to that life.

Two weeks later, God had another plan. Another sting to my pride….I got stuck in the backyard in my lawn mower. Y’all I drive a 4 cylinder SUV…that thing was going to get me nowhere. I took a big ole gulp of my pride and called Nick…again! Sure enough, 20 minutes later, him and his 4 Wheel-Drive truck comes to the rescue with Drake in the backseat. It had been his weekend, but guess what….he still came to my rescue in that big 4WD White pickup truck. He took over and told me to go play in the pool with bub until he got it pulled out. So I did. Well….40 minutes later, he had finished the rest of the yard…I had 3 acres and still had at least another acre to finish. He did it. That was it. He had won. I invited him to play in the pool with us and then for dinner. How could I not? The rest was history. Here we are, back together and took our very first family vacation to the Ocean with our son. How sweet is life?! Let me tell you, God’s got you, even in the hardest parts of your life. To this, I can attest is true. 262

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