Anxiety at its finest

Anxiety is where nothing is good enough, no matter how hard you try. You are your own worst enemy. You question everything you do because, “Was there a better way to do it?” Its living on autopilot and being numb to the things you want to enjoy and cherish the most. Its suffocating in your own personal bubble, that’s supposed to be your safe space.

Anxiety is an upset stomach, sometimes to the point you’re doubled over with pain. Its zoning out when you just want to live in the present, but don’t know how. It’s being hard on yourself over the things that truly don’t matter.

Anxiety is looking at your house with disgust because your exhausted from cleaning and it never staying that way. It’s looking for ways to zone out or numb yourself with all the things twirling in your mind. It’s a deep black hole that has you boarding yourself inside your suffocating house. It’s a double edged sword. It’s exhausting not being able to breath. The feeling that your heart is going to beat out of your chest for no apparent reason. You’re body is showing fat burn zone on your fitbit watch, just by your mind racing 100 mph while trying to focus on your favorite television show.

It’s constantly begging God to relieve your children of this disease. This living hell at times. It’s the chiropractor telling you to relax so they can effectively realign your neck or hips, but you simply don’t know how. What is that and how do you do it?

It’s consistently trying to find ways to make ends meet while being a college student and a Mom, trying to do her best but hitting a bump in the road daily. It’s wanting to focus on the positive things in life and being optimistic, but always falling backwards into that dreaded damn black hole, no matter how hard you try. No matter how much you run from it, it’s still there, waiting.

Anxiety or depression is wanting to go workout, but you can’t make yourself get up because you may run into someone that makes eye contact with you or someone you know, that could potentially judge you or see somethings off. It’s wanting to go to church, but being completely unable to deal with the crowds and all the background noises that keep you from hearing the true message. It’s being in a conversation and not hearing a single word. You want to, oh how you want to, but you can’t. You can’t focus on the book you love, sitting in front of your face. Its living in a place that isn’t supposed to exist but a place you can’t escape, no matter how hard you try.

I have my truly great moments, but many times my best times are my memories that I wished I’d appreciated more during that time. Looking back and wishing you could relive certain moments of the past because they were the best moments of your life but you simply had no idea. Its living in the past. It’s pure hell. I have my good moments, times when I laugh my heart out and absolutely have the time of my life. How few and far in-between those are. I just want to live in the present and breath contentedly and peacefully.

Until then I will continue to pray for peace and comfort. I will turn to God, as He is my shepherd. He is my lifeline. God gave me that precious child I begged for, for years. God has never failed to provide, even during the most trivial and poorest moments of my life. He still gave me hope and kept my belly full as He promises to do. I also remember Matthew 6:26 NIV: “Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they?

Friends, remember how important you are. There are far more people suffering with this disease than you can imagine. Remember Gods words in Deurotomy 31:6 “Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the LORD your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.” You are never alone. God Bless.

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